Monday, March 29, 2010

Austin was born 3/24 at 6:09pm and gone 3/26 @ 12:15am

How does a baby who has people from all over the world praying for him not survive? Not only that but he was a big boy...8lbs 13.5oz and 22in long! The biggest guy in the NICU, yet the sickest. He was suppose to be strong. I really thought he could fight all the odds. This wasn't suppose to be this way. I have all the post delivery pains but no baby! I want to understand why this has happened. I feel like I should have gone to Dr. Kays in Florida. I just feel like something went wrong because A.J. was suppose to make it. I want to feel his little hands and feet, his breath against my neck, his heartbeat against mine. I need him!

12 comments:

  1. I don't really know what to say except I am so sorry. I hope you are able to find some sort of peace. I will keep you in my prayers. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. Please always treasure those short hours that you could feel his little skin and smell his baby smell.

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  2. I am so sorry. It does not make any sense at all and it is not fair. Only God knows why or how little babies are taken. Please know, however, that you did everything right and he did everything right. I was at Shands and while we were in the NICU with Dakota, the babies on either side of us did not make it. Babies die at Shands too, and I don't know why. I am so very sorry. I pray for peace. I will always remember your little fighter ... he has changed me, a complete stranger.
    Hugs,
    Jennifer

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  3. I hope I am not overstepping, but it makes me so sad and I don't think you should ever question your decision to have AJ at one of the top hospitals in the country for CDH. So I just wanted to add one thing that I remember reading about before Dakota was born. I read PAR's story, which is a wonderful story of hope. At the time when he was in the NICU, Dr. Kays was treating 3 CDH babies, all very different. PAR had a very easy time (comparatively), Ella West had a hard time but survived, and Jonathan became a beautiful angel. I am not saying that Dr. Kays is not a great doctor, but he loses babies too and sometimes there is nothing any doctor can do. Here is then entry that PAR's mom wrote the day she found out Jonathan passed away:
    "As I have said before--or maybe I haven't--but I know I have thought it about a zillion times since I've been here--our God sees the entire masterpiece complete--from beginning to end. He knows that every little thing that happens in our lives--it is all part of His plan--His plan for good. It is easy to lose sight of this when we are faced with sadness and the loss of a precious innocent child. Chris and Jasmine came to see us in the NICU 2 today--they came to tell us that they said goodbye to Jonathan yesterday afternoon. Our hearts were breaking--they still are--I know Jasmine and Chris are so grateful for everyone's prayers for them and their little boy--I ask you to continue to pray for them as they prepare to return home. Rusty and I are humbled by their strength--they wanted to see Par--I'm glad he was awake for them. Of course I didn't know what to say--no one ever does--and now I don't know what to write. I just wish I could show them a glimpse of why this had to happen--but I don't know that either--I do know that Par will be told about Jonathan--one of his first friends--for 23 days they were right next to each other--both fighting this difficult fight. Rusty and I will make sure that Par knows how strong Jonathan's mom was during this time--how she was an example to me for incredible hope. The story of how they even ended up in Gainesville will not be forgotten."
    Hugs,
    Jennifer
    jennifertrafton@hotmail.com

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  4. Im in tears for you not knowing what to say....just wanted to write SOMETHING to let you know you are being prayed for and to let you know that i am so so sorry for your loss...

    I think what you said ( Jennifer ) was uplifting and I think that was a wonderful thing to share. I was also so sad for Nichole when she was having regrets not going to Gaisnsville. You did the best for AJ, Nichole! I have been following your blog and waiting on your delivery and u are a wonderful, caring mother who wanted the best for Austin....(((((hugs)))))

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  5. I'm so sorry, Nichole. I also don't know what to say. Elijah will be my first so I don't know what it would mean to lose a child; I can only imagine.

    Thinking of you,

    Bonnie from CHERUBS
    Expecting Elijah 7/12/10

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  6. Nichole, I am so sorry to hear about Austin. It's so unfair that these beautiful, innocent babies are taken away from us. I'll be thinking and praying for you and your family. Take care of yourself and know that he will never be forgotten.

    Chelsea

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  7. You are all in my prayers. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. Let me know if you guys need anything.

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  8. Don't question your choice!!! Its so hard after they grow their wings, you will feel like you need to blame yourself. I did, but its not your fault. I am sorry that your sweet boy has grown his wings. Kasey was the biggeset and the sickest in the NICU too, its hard. I know nothing I have and can say make things better, sending you lots of love and support! ((HUGS))

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  9. I don't know what to say except that I am sorry for your loss. I pray that you will find the peace you need in time. Check out this lady's blog http://therowefam.blogspot.com/ I don't know her in person but have followed her story for a long time. She lost her little one, Reese last summer due to something else but is by far one of the most inspirational and strongest I have seen. Maybe her strength can help you. Again may peace be with you.

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  10. Nikki...I have no words that will comfort you in losing AJ but remember God does not give us what we can not handle & he chose you to be AJ's mom, to love him & carry him into this world & to love him unconditionally while he was here. He couldn't have had a better mom! You are a strong, courageous woman, friend daughter & mother & my heart goes out to you. I'm here for you girl...when you're ready! I love you!

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  11. I am so very sorry AJ grew his wings. Praying you will find peace and comfort with his passing. Don't ever question your choice of hospital or blame yourself during this process...you were at one of the top hospitals in the country for CDH. You are a wonderful mom and AJ knows he is loved to the moon and back. We are here for you. (((HUGS)))

    Tracy, Ian's mom from CHERUBS

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  12. Nichole, I believe God's plan could be for you - that you will become an advocate for these precious children. Someone to speak on their behalf and reach out for resources and funding to help others. It's something I learned with my cancer journey. I don't know if it will help right now, but down the road you may see it. God's love, grace & mercy to you & your family.

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